Leaving It Behind: Aging With Fewer Regrets

Kurt Vonnegut once wrote, “Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are, ‘It might have been.’” As you get on in years, it might be natural to think about the “what ifs.” What if you had taken that distant job you were offered? What if you hadn’t been estranged from your siblings? What if you had earned more money during your career? Did you make the right decision not to go to college? Regrets can be stressful and can negatively affect your physical health. Feeling regretful can eat away at you for days, months, or even years, and can affect your hormones and immune system. Whether we regret something we did or something we didn’t do, either way, living with a feeling of regret can be a heavy and sorrowful emotion to bring into our later years. But a new research study suggests that for many older adults, regrets have been largely jettisoned, and life has moved on.

According to this new study published in the journal Emotion, in comparison to younger adults, older adults report fewer recent regrets, and for those regrets connected to older, longer-term decisions, they report feeling less anger or frustration when they reflect back upon those decisions. As the commentary on the study states, “The good news is that for many of us, the experience of regret seems to become less negative with age.” Moreover, for younger adults, regrets might lead to better decision-making going forward. But for older adults, opportunities to face those decisions again may not come, but a feeling of regret might instead lead to a chance to find meaning from a regretful circumstance. And for older adults, it appears that the regrets they do harbor come from missed opportunities rather than mistaken actions.

The study involved 90 adults, aged 21-89, who were asked to reflect on 5 recent regrets they had and 5 longer-term regrets. The study’s authors reported that older adults had fewer “hot” emotions when it came to both types of regrets, and that they had seemingly learned to live with whatever consequences came as a result. Older adults appear to better control how they feel about the regret, even if they cannot change what happened. This is considered “emotional controllability.” You can change your reaction to a past mistake rather than obsessing over the mistake itself. For more on this study, put the wind at your back and click here.

A recent survey from Choice Mutual Insurance Company, polling 2000 adults aged 65 and over, revealed the regrets that some older adults do experience. Among the top listed regrets are no real surprises: They include not saving/investing early enough, not traveling more when they had the chance, not spending enough time with family, and not prioritizing health and fitness sooner. Despite this list of regrets, ⅔ of the respondents said it was never too late to pursue missed opportunities, and travel was one pursuit that many still hoped to accomplish. 

Making peace with whatever regrets you still carry is always possible. Psychologist Katherine Esty, now over 90 years old, recently wrote a post explaining her feelings of happiness and making room in her mind for a more positive outlook rather than a regretful one. As she wrote, “Like most people my age, I believe dwelling on regrets is a waste of time. I no longer regret that I took so few science and economics courses or that I never lived abroad. I’m truly grateful for my family and the life I have lived. This sense of gratitude is relatively new for me.” Her suggestions for moving beyond regret and feeling happy in the moment? She believes in kindness toward others, including herself. She practices gratitude to keep her mindset positive and chooses happiness in a conscious way. She tries to laugh often and constantly continues learning. And she prioritizes regular contact with family and friends, especially those who lift her spirit. Another psychologist, J. Kim Pemberthy, at the University of Virginia, suggests practicing self-compassion (you’re only human and doing the best you can), acknowledge regrets if you feel them, perform a “cognitive reappraisal” of the regret (i.e., reconsider how you think about the regret to allow you to reduce the emotional baggage), and ultimately forgive yourself from whatever decision you did or didn’t make. In essence, life is too short to hold on to regrets. It may be time to move on from whatever is weighing you down.