Friendships Over 50: Maintaining And Expanding Your Friendship Network

For many, the approach of Valentine’s Day does not necessarily include a romantic interlude with your honey, but rather an opportunity to express your love and affection for your “Galentine,” that is, a moment dedicated to expressions of love and gratitude for deep friendships. As Euripides once said, “One loyal friend is worth ten thousand relatives.” It seems that even down to our DNA, enduring and supportive friendships can not only help us age more healthily but can also slow down the biological aging process. A new study of dolphins (members of our mammal family) demonstrates that among male dolphins, strong social bonds, vital to success in the rough and tumble sea, lead to biologically younger male dolphins than their unsociable counterparts. The quality of these relationships among male dolphins, rather than the quantity of companions in their “social circles,” is what seems to make the difference when it comes to dolphin longevity. Strong social bonds not only increase the lifespan of the dolphins but also slow down the pace of aging. What causes biological aging is a complex process, but it includes damage to DNA, so we can measure how supportive friendships can alter biological aging using epigenetic clocks. As one expert made clear, ocean life is challenging, even for dolphins. You need to hunt for food, be on the alert for predators, and compete for mates. “Having friends means you hunt together, watch each other’s backs, and share the load.” It’s unclear as to exactly why these deep social bonds can slow down the aging process, but it’s hypothesized that the reduction of stress due to deep friendships can play a role. Perhaps not so different from the human experience of supportive friendships. In fact, there is every reason to believe that this research on dolphin friendships has direct relevance to human experiences. As one researcher declared, “I am predicting that we will find that friendship is a natural anti-aging secret across social animals.”

But as we also know, maintaining friendships or even developing new friendships seems to become ever more difficult the older we get. As one writer recently described, it’s the great friendship “die-off” that nobody warns you about. While we all know that social circles shrink as we get older, “The data doesn’t capture how jarring this feels when you’re living it. You assume everyone will be there for the next chapter, until they’re not.” Thus, you’re likely to be dealing with multiple friendship challenges at the same time as you get older: adjusting to the loss of some friends, working hard to reconnect or sustain and support others, and even overcoming barriers to forming new friendships. It’s not easy, but of course, nothing in life is easy as you get older. But that doesn’t mean it’s not worth the effort. 

There are innumerable resources and recommendations for how to sustain and build friendships as an older adult. Whether accepting that your conversations may drift to the silly but practical reality of daily life (have you had the conversation about how to return stuff to Amazon?), to sharing recollections of special moments you’ve had together, or expressing interest in their daily life, the goal is to “let friends know, old and new, that you’re thinking of them.” But it takes more than just thinking of others to maintain those relationships. Experts recommend that you open yourself up to expose your areas of vulnerability, as that invites others to be vulnerable with you. “When you start talking about things actually on your mind, everyone can relate,” and this creates connection and intimacy, vital to friendships. As well, prioritizing in-person meet-ups or at least virtual rituals assures ongoing connection and lets that friend know you are prioritizing your relationship. It gives a measure of certainty to the friendship. As one expert has made clear, “The biggest gift we can give each other is certainty, and certainty is crucial to sustain friendships.” How to create certainty and thus sustainability in a friendship? Creating a regular rhythm to the friendship through ongoing rituals is certainly one way. So, do you drop in on each other or just hang out with no particular agenda? Do you schedule ongoing in-person get-togethers? Do you make a phone call- going beyond a friendly text- even when nothing is wrong, just to let them know they’re on your mind? Do you celebrate each other’s wins? Maybe celebrate a good medical check-up or reaching a particular milestone? Nothing is too small to celebrate if it means cementing an important friendship.

Those with professional and personal expertise in friendships also stress the value of you taking the lead when it comes to social connections. A recent NPR  post urges you to get out of your comfort zone and suggests, “The best way to get a seat at the table is to host the table.” That doesn’t have to mean elaborate or expensive soirees. It can mean organizing a potluck or an informal coffee meetup. As one expert suggests, “Friends don’t just offer support- they invite possibility.” Whether that’s extending an invitation to a new acquaintance whom you’d like to get to know better or asking to be invited to a gathering you think you might enjoy, it’s being open to creating new experiences and widening your social circle to include new players, even those with whom you’d be surprised you have interests in common. For some inspiration and potential connection, you may want to check out the website and app, Wyzer, an app intended to match adults over 40 with others in their area with shared interests. Or take a look at the recently shared short documentary Madeleine, about the unlikely friendship between a millennial documentary maker and her centenarian friend. It sums up what life can be all about: You never know who can be your friend and what you share in common unless you open up the possibility and reach out.