Go Your Own Way: Why Do So Many Choose A “Gray Divorce?”

When asked about the secret behind his long marriage, comedian Henny Youngman once remarked, “Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.” That bit of humor reflects the reality of many long-term marriages and relationships: that there’s more fun and opportunity to live life outside of the marriage than to stay within it. And that kind of thinking may be behind the surge of “gray divorces” that we now see in our society. While divorce rates have remained steady or even declined among younger populations, among those over 65 it’s a different story. In the 1990s, divorces among older couples represented about 8% of all divorces. By 2024, that figure had skyrocketed to 40% of all divorces. 

The New York Times recently ran a post on the trend of older adults exiting “Empty Shell Marriages,” meaning one spouse wants to end the marriage due to a lack of vitality or unhappiness on the part of one or both spouses. Why are these exits happening more frequently than previously? There are many hypotheses. For one, older adults are living longer than previous generations, meaning marriages often last longer, well beyond what couples may have anticipated or planned for. As one expert was quoted, “This is evolutionarily unprecedented for our species.” Along with that longevity often comes decades of life that offer opportunities for new experiences, which may lead to tensions among couples as to how to spend those bonus years. Many older women also now have more money of their own and more of a sense of independence than they had in previous generations, so they may have the courage to strike out on their own, even at an older age. In fact, data suggest that women are more likely to initiate a divorce than men. 

There are some other, less recognized reasons for gray divorces that also have to do with longevity. For example, a recent study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family highlighted the role of sickness as a catalyst for divorce, especially if it’s the wife in the couple who becomes ill. According to this study, looking at gray divorce in Europe, when both spouses are in good health, divorce rates are stable, or if the man in the couple becomes ill, divorce rates don’t significantly change. But if the wife becomes sick and unable to carry on her usual responsibilities, and the husband is put in the position of caregiver, then divorce rates tend to go up. While the reasons for this are not clear, it’s certainly a departure from the vows taken to commit to the spouse in sickness or in health. There is also a trend for rising divorce rates among couples who are thrust into the position of caring for aging parents. If the caregiving is unplanned for or financially stressful, this can lead to significant stress, especially for couples who lack a financial cushion. As a recent study on this problem suggests, marital instability and divorce are yet another casualty of our lack of caregiving support in our country.

Divorce later in life not only has emotional consequences but can also throw a wrench into financial plans developed years before. Retirement savings that were intended to see a couple through their “golden years” now have to be split up and may not support 2 households instead of the one anticipated. And women tend to get more financially hurt than men when divorce happens later in life. Data suggests that women experience a 45% decline in their standard of living post-divorce, while men experience only a 21% decline. There may also be tension about the tax implications of divided assets, estate planning (especially if one spouse remarries), and inheritance for the children of the newly divorced couple. As one expert explained, “Gray divorces represent a confluence of major life stressors all at once- broken relationships, retirement, estates, inheritance, and declining health.”

But not all gray divorces are tragedies, and for many, the freedom that comes late in life can be sweet and exciting. A recent Wall Street Journal article profiled 4 older adults in their post-divorce life, and all seemed to have found new opportunities for fulfillment, even coming to terms with creating a friendly relationship with their former spouses. While divorce is rarely easy or pleasant, it’s not always a tragedy later in life. As one expert commented, “Ending a marriage after years together- whether or not children are involved- is not a failure. It’s rather a common transition that many people experience. Sometimes the healthiest choice is simply turning the page and moving on to the next chapter.” Clearly, for a growing number of older adults, that next chapter is too alluring to pass up.