When it comes to friendships, there are two sides to the equation. There is the question of how good a friend you are to others, and then there is the question of how you feel about the friends you have (or how you find new friends at your age in life). Of course, these questions are related, as your ability to be a good friend to others will inevitably influence the friends you have and the friends you make. So let’s first consider how you evaluate whether you are a good friend to others.

Experts from literature, academia, and psychology recently spoke to The Guardian about the rules of friendship that will strengthen your ability to be a good friend and deepen the quality of your friendships. Over and over, experts recommend that you temper your early expectations and understand that friendships take time, including creating the routines that keep you in regular touch, whether it’s a regularly scheduled coffee date or game night, or monthly Zoom calls that allow you to stay connected. The goal is to create an emotional intimacy that takes time to build and a level of trust that you are the type of friend to show up, listen to details about their lives, and let them know they have a place in your future plans. Others describe this act of “showing up” as the creation of rituals that prioritize your connection and the place of the friendship in your life. Since most older adults in a recent survey say they have at least one friend they can count on for support, especially when it comes to health matters, ask yourself if you are that friend for someone else and if not, what would it take for you to deepen a friendship and become that “rock” for another person? Are you investing the time it takes? Have you created the “rituals” that cement a friendship? As recounted by a recently profiled group of gals, now in their 80s, who met as middle schoolers many decades ago, “Putting effort in to stay connected matters.”

What about the friendships you already have? Or, if you’re on the hunt for some new friends for yourself? What are some tips to help you in your search and allow you to confidently, even courageously, put yourself out there in the hope of developing some new social circles? Certainly, we all will likely suffer the loss and grief of friends who move away or even pass away. But what about those friends that remain? The friends with whom you can have a “brutally honest” relationship, who are your chosen family, and around whom you can be completely yourself?  Those friendships also need sustenance and nurturing, whether it’s making sure your calendar reflects the centrality of those relationships in your life or even the occasional spontaneous gesture so that your friend knows you are always top of mind for them. Of course, some friendships sour or fade away. A friend will “ghost” you and stop responding when you reach out (which can cause a world of hurt or sadness), or a long-lost, estranged friend may reach out on social media, and you’ll be confronted with the quandary of whether to reconnect (and you may need to ask yourself what do you gain by reconnecting). But by all means, especially if you crave new friendships in your life, you need to be open to allowing new people to enter your life, given the importance of human connection to your happiness as you age. As the commentator Charles Blow recently wrote in his New York Times column, “I’ve come to better appreciate that there are stages and levels of friendships, that they exist as a dynamic constellation — some people spinning into it and others out, some closer to you and others farther away — all holding their own value in your life and you in theirs.” 

As for making those new friends? Opportunity awaits using an array of strategies- everything from getting your doctor to write you a “social prescription,” where you can venture out into new activities to support your health and well-being, to breaking out of your comfort zone and attending local community events where new activities and acquaintances await. While the first step may be the hardest to take, as Charles Blow wisely stated, “All friends were new at some point.” So open up your calendar, pencil in some activities, and read more here and here.