By Susanna P. Barton
Trust is a finicky topic when it comes to creating a workable Grand Plan. On the one hand, trust is essential to working in partnership with loved ones during our second half. If we can’t trust the people we’ve chosen as our life managers or caregivers – perhaps because we have lost the capacity to think rationally about the choices and relationships we made during times of cognitive clarity —we may impair important relationships and jeopardize our future safety, happiness, and well-being. Further complicating the subject, we must be vigilant in our distrust if we are to avoid being scammed or taken advantage of by people with nefarious intentions. How do we design a foundation of trust for our second half in a world that teaches us to be doubtful?
Let’s look at the importance of trust and distrust, starting with the kind of trust essential to productive senior caregiving relationships.
Lack of trust in a caregiving relationship is hard to define but usually is the fallout of cognitive decline or delusional thinking. Unless there is blatant unethical behavior occurring in this relationship, an older loved one’s sentiment of skepticism is usually born out of impaired thinking or decision-making. Few, if any, studies exist on the topic. But it is common to hear personal accounts and outcry from frustrated caregivers in public forums and social media support groups across the world each and every day. While there may be limited data on how impaired thinking challenges caregiving relationships, it can definitely create issues for the folks we have leaned on for support during the second half.
In my experience, the senior couple for whom I managed remote care several years ago demonstrated the kind of distrust that can become destructive and put healthy outcomes at risk. While both adults had willfully appointed me as their Power of Attorney and Successor Trustee should they be unable to manage their affairs, dementia led to some really horrible exchanges and responses to my applications of assistance. And because we’d had no prior conversations about their wishes and expectations for senior living, it was extremely difficult to make progress or feel good about it. One spouse constantly unwound or undermined any financial, legal, or medical plans I carefully negotiated. This dementia-based distrust made getting them the timely help they needed almost impossible.
On caregiving social media groups, people lament this dysfunction all the time. “She won’t listen to me; she doesn’t think she needs any help,” or “He refuses to downsize even though he can’t live in that house anymore,” are familiar complaints. And almost every senior caregiving story includes a tale of a loved one who refuses to stop driving despite accidents, tickets, and the real possibility of endangerment to others. This is where distrust from cognitive impairment – or lacking the capacity to think rationally about loved ones entrusted to consider parameters of well-being – becomes detrimental to grand planning.
In the absence of good research, statistics, or studies, I can only offer common sense as an answer to this pervasive yet elusive problem. And that answer is for caregivers and loved ones to get comfortable having conversations about this planning long before it becomes a challenge. Conversations with family and close friends should begin in midlife and continue in everyday chatter moving forward. Through this real-talking, we can all get comfortable with the relationship, and trust will ensure and win the day.
Start by reflecting on the people you’ve raised or chosen to be your people in life. Most of us can say we’ve surrounded ourselves with quality, loving people who want the best for us. These are the people we’ve put our hearts and souls into! These are the folks we’ve legally designated as our people! These are our legacy loves! Unless these people have “earned” our distrust or behaved in an unacceptable or maligning way, they are the best shot we have at navigating our senior experience successfully. I think if we are somehow able to ground ourselves in this belief, we can safeguard our relationships, strengthen our resources, and move forward into our Golden Years with a sustaining peace of mind.
And this may be impossible in some situations, especially when cognitive impairment rules the day. That is why having ongoing conversations with “our people” is so important. Knowing they are trusted, loved, and appreciated can help lessen caregiver frustration when mental impairment limits a loved one’s ability to understand it.
Let’s switch gears and address the other, more quantifiable side of trust – and talk about why distrust is an important defense in mitigating geri-drama during our second half. Distrust protects us from the myriad scams out there in the world that can wreck our senior stroll.
Studies underscore the importance of distrust. According to the Institute for Healthcare Policy and Innovation National Poll on Healthy Aging at the University of Michigan, “Three in four adults age 50–80 (75%) reported that they experienced a scam attempt online or by phone, text, email, or mail in the past two years. Scam attempts were more frequently reported by men (78% vs. 73% of women), those with a bachelor’s degree or higher (79% vs. 71% some college or less), and those who reported that their memory is fair or poor (83% vs. 74% with better memory). Nearly two in five of those who reported a scam attempt (39%) said they experienced one or more of the following types of fraud: 25% had their credit card or bank account compromised, 15% had other accounts hacked, 9% had money stolen, and 3% had their identity stolen. Overall, 30% of all adults aged 50–80 said they had experienced fraud.”
Financially, senior scams account for major drama. The National Council on Aging (NCOA) estimates fraud among adults 60+ results in more than $3.1 billion in losses. That is a lot of money that could be better spent on senior living arrangements, healthcare, and legacy-building!
The NCOA shared the top five financial fraud scams that compromise more than 60 percent of the organization’s complaint calls. It pays for you or your loved one to be suspicious of:
Many of these swindles can be avoided by simply deleting or implementing a no-click or no-answer policy for all unprompted phone calls, emails, or texts. One of the easiest things you can do is to just ignore it. Don’t respond, don’t reply, and don’t investigate. Just delete it. If someone official needs to get ahold of you, they’ll figure it out.
Trust is complicated. Without it, and combined with cognitive decline, senior loved ones may jeopardize the Grand Plans they’ve worked hard to build. With it, we can all be assured of compassionate and effective Grand Planning that reflects our best interest and well-being. Trust is essential to Grand Planning.
Susanna Barton, a member of Jacksonville Mayor Donna Degan’s subcommittee on elder care, has worked as a professional writer in Jacksonville for nearly 30 years and is the founder of the Grand Plans online community, podcast, newsletter, and blog. Her book Grand Plans: How to Mitigate Geri-Drama in 20 Easy Steps and its accompanying workbook, the Grand Planner, are available in local stores and on Amazon. For more information, visit http://www.mygrandplans.com.
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