The Rookie Retiree By Renee Langmuir: The Push And Pull Of Intimacy In Family And Friendships

By Renee Langmuir

As I journey through the unfamiliar terrain of aging, I am fortunate to have discovered the eminent Swiss psychologist, Carl Jung, father of Analytical Psychology, who has cleverly constructed a list of seven tasks of aging. These are not simple “to-do” items that can be completed at will. All require deep, interior work.

Number two on the list, Life Review, is an ongoing process for me. It requires a profound re-examination of one’s life, with a particular emphasis on bringing closure to areas of regret, anger, and lingering confusion. For me, many of these feelings involve my relationships with family and friends. I continually wonder why some relationships I longed to be more intimate fell short, and why others made me feel drained and engulfed.

The Nature of Intimacy

Intimacy can be defined as feeling closeness and connections in interpersonal relationships. Very often, the subject of intimacy appears related to the physical or the sexual realms, but that is not the more holistic view. There actually are five types of intimacy: experiential, emotional, spiritual, intellectual, and, of course, the physical. Understanding the wider range of intimate experiences can explain why you might feel very connected to another in one realm, but not in others. Most of us have the unfortunate notion that our partners should satisfy us in all five areas, which is highly unlikely.

In my own life, I still maintain experiential intimacy friendships from my adolescence and young adulthood years, because those women literally grew up with me and shared a long history of life-shaping events. Also, I don’t think I really could have a close friend unless that person was able to share emotional intimacy, which involves sharing deep feelings and trust. In another sphere, I find that I usually form a nice friendship with my yoga teachers, primarily because spiritual intimacy is essential in our lives.

My work colleagues who are still friends may share experiential and emotional intimacy with me, but they also share intellectual intimacy because we were attracted to the same line of work: education. Lucky for me, husband #3 shares all five intimacies. It feels like I initiated a very fortuitous click on Match.com!

Where do things go wrong?

I believe my intimacy difficulties began when I first got married at the tender age of 20. My wonderful, loving mother-in-law, who was all of 40 years herself at the time, had the expectation that I would call her every day……..yikes!   

In the years I was raising children, I had two friends who wanted more time than I could give them. Whether it was too many requests for outings or phone calls in the evening after the children were in bed, it was all too much for me, and our friendships ended, somewhat uncomfortably.

Through the years and three marriages, the first two involved very large, close “in-law” families. These couldn’t have been more different than my somewhat solitary and unfriendly family of origin. There were always invitations to be with “the gang,” and I felt totally inundated with the sheer number of events and the sheer number of people at each event.

Conversely, in my own family of origin, I felt a real lack of intimacy. Although it seems so long ago, I raged for years that my own father, mother, and brother never really knew who I was as a complete person.

Most recently, I have spent too many years feeling disconnected from my very independent adult children, who have their own comfort zones in the world of intimacy. I was always longing for more connection, but they are satisfied with much less.

Barriers to Intimacy

Some of those in our immediate circle may not be as facile with intimacy as others, which can be confounding. Lisa Fritscher, writing on Verywellmind.com, describes those folks as unable to share thoughts, ideas, and innermost feelings. They might harbor fears of being dominated or controlled, or could have had adverse childhood events such as being members of a dysfunctional or enmeshed family, resulting in their being unable to develop their own identities. They may be sensitive to the “judgment” of others or be products of narcissistic parents.

When I think about the close family members who have never been able to give me the love and closeness I desired, I believe some of these factors in their lives might have been or are in play.

Healthy Relationships and Boundaries

An enormous benefit of growing older is realizing that folks who have caused you pain were probably looking at life through a very different lens. Healthy relationships can contribute to overall emotional and social wellness, while unhealthy ones can leave us drained and overwhelmed. Writing on a blog to students at Johns Hopkins University, Molly Hutchison and Alyse Campbell define the salient elements of healthy relationships: communication, boundaries, consent, trust, honesty, individuality, equality, support, responsibility, healthy conflict, safety, and fun.

Certainly, all these qualities are aspirational in any relationship. However, there is a wonderful tool that works so well for self-care: setting boundaries. Wielding this tool requires us to have a large degree of self-awareness, assertiveness, and effective communication skills.

I was sadly lacking in the assertiveness and self-awareness departments, as are many others at a younger age. Jo Nash, writing on Positivepsychology.com, invites us to set a variety of life-enhancing boundaries. The first one I could have used with my “mom friends” who wanted too much from me is the boundary of time – I should have stated how much time I wanted to spend with these women and their children. Other helpful boundaries include conversation (some subjects can be taboo); internal needs (alone time may be required); material boundaries (limits on giving money and possessions are allowed); emotional boundaries (one can state personal capacity limits), and mental boundaries (freedom to own thoughts, values, and opinions is a right).

The good news is that setting limits will not disrupt healthy relationships. Unfortunately, through the years, I never even tried to set boundaries with friends and family who regularly overwhelmed me. As for needing more intimacy with friends or family members?  An honest conversation can’t hurt, but an understanding of the personal histories and coping mechanisms of significant others can contribute to more authentic relationships.

Renee Langmuir was an educator for 34 years in public schools and at the university level. After an unplanned retirement, Renee chronicled her transition to retirement through a series of personal essays. As challenges arose, research was done, and essays were penned, all helping her gain perspective in this new landscape. These reflections are housed on the website, https://www.therookieretiree.com. She writes from both a research and mindfulness basis. Renee is excited to receive your feedback and comments! Please contact her at [email protected].