Been There, Done That: Nine Decades And Counting By Alice Herb: Old Age Issues I Now Face

By Alice Herb

I have finally reached an age where I must admit to my actual age – 93, as many of my readers already know. I had thought that, at this age, I could continue doing all of the tasks I had been doing for years. I WAS WRONG. Sharing this knowledge comes from total honesty, because I want to describe to you my recent experiences and insights.

• I used to be able to keep at least 6 balls in the air – to wit, my children, my grandchildren, my principal job, my extra jobs and consults, my social life, and the issues and questions of relatives and friends. I always seemed to be the fix-it person. Now I can barely keep two balls in the air and must often deal with three or more. And I DON’T FEEL LIKE IT. I would like to stay in bed as long as I want. I want to watch films streaming. I want to play with my collections and possessions, to see friends and some family, and just hang out. NO SUCH LUCK.

• I used to be able to express my opinions without people questioning my mental capacity. If I make a slight error in speech, fact, or memory, I am instantly questioned as to whether I’ve checked my mental acuity or seen a doctor. My standing answer is “I am hard of hearing, not stupid or demented.”

• When I do state my opinion or point of view, I am often assailed as being old-fashioned or out of touch.

• My son questioned my capacity to drive my car some years ago. It created quite a squabble between us, as he hadn’t been in the car with me driving in some time. I am still driving, principally to my summer house. I have been asked by him and many friends whether that is safe. I am perfectly capable of deciding when to give up driving, as I was to give up traveling and other essentials in my life when I knew it was time. I no longer park my car in my garage because it is too tight for me to navigate as well as I did in the past. (My building super has volunteered to take on the parking.) And so it shall be with driving; I feel it to be safe as long as I feel confident, and at the moment, I still do (though occasionally I harbor some uncertainty).

• Despite my confidence in my judgment about driving, my self-confidence has been severely compromised, since those folks who claim to care for me are constantly questioning my competence or questioning whether I have the physical capacity to continue doing everything I am doing. I acknowledge that people who love me are expressing concern over my well-being and safety. But I don’t believe it has anything to do with what I say or do but rather that, at my age, I am no longer as quick as I used to be. I admit, being totally honest, that my physical capacities are diminished, which is a source of concern for people who care for me. But then I panic as soon as something untoward happens, and I tell myself that I have managed many difficult problems in my life and managed to solve them on my own. And I quickly snap into my old problem-solving methods. And so I solve my issues, especially when no one has the time to assist me. 

• There are times when I do need and desire assistance. But I think it’s not easy to find someone with the intellect to help me with certain things- it’s not just a matter of helping me with physical activities. There are some issues that only family or close friends can help with, or a one-time isolated issue where I need help or a fast fix. And I am unhappy when it seems that few people have the time or interest in helping me. But I would like the confidence-shattering remarks to STOP. As it is, I know I have physical limitations, but it doesn’t help my confidence to do things when people constantly remind me of this. And there are still many things I have no choice but to do on my own.

I would like my family and friends to think before they share their fears with me and shake my self-confidence. The number of years I’ve lived doesn’t express what I’m capable of doing today. 

Alice Herb is a retired attorney, journalist, and bioethics consultant. Having reached the age of 90+, she’s more than ready to share her experiences and opinions with agebuzz readers. Want to comment on something she’s said? She welcomes your feedback at [email protected].

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